I don’t post as often as I would really like to but unfortunately time does not always allow me to take pen to paper (or keyboard to word processor) and put my thoughts down. I may be repeating myself here, but if it helps to write it down then so what. After all it’s my blog. My space to vent and moan if I need to. Just skip on by if I am repeating myself.
The last few days have been full of ups and downs what with working longer days then coming home to care for my mother, who has been waking me up in the middle of the night, not just once but sometimes twice with pain in her legs. Sometimes it has not been worth going back to bed to try and catch some sleep so my days have been extremely long and I have been walking round like the living dead, not knowing whether I was coming or going.
Dealing with another’s pain and not knowing how bad that pain really is can be mentally and physically draining. You try your best to help but nothing you do is of any consequence. Pain medication does not always provide the relief needed for both parties and the nights drag on with attempts to distract while the pain dulls and you can finally hope, often in vain, to catch up with the sleep you so desperately need.
If I was a car I would be running on fumes right now. Not knowing how long I would be able to go before spluttering to a stop. But somehow those fumes seem to getter thinner and thinner with no sign of stopping. The human body and mind are amazing when your focus is not on you but on someone else. It’s not until everything is OK that your body rebels and tells you, in no uncertain terms, that enough is enough. Rest is needed. A break is required in order for your batteries to recharge and fuel is imperative to keep going any longer.
People always say ‘you need time for yourself’ without realising that me time is like mining for diamonds. You only come across a big enough diamond once in a blue moon. Time becomes meaningless when caring as you are consumed with another person’s needs and not your own. Time is taken cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, running errands, shopping and many other things. Not for you, but for the other person. If you’re lucky you might get five minutes every other day to scream internally, take a deep breath and start all over again. Often your thoughts are that the person you care for is being selfish in their wants and needs, but who else would help when they can’t help themselves most of the time. Is it not best that they are cared for by someone they trust or am I just being a martyr? You tell me.