For the past eleven years my life has seemed so full and now that fullness has gone. Life seems so empty at the moment, yet there is so much to do with no will to do it. Each day comes then goes and a distinct lack of interest pervades. I have no interest in anything and I seem to just sit here staring into space wondering when my energy to do will return.
So what has caused this malaise if feel? I may have explained before in earlier blogs that for the past eleven years I was a carer for two elderly parents. Working full time then coming home and caring for them. My life was full of everything but my own thoughts and now that has gone I feel strangely empty.
For seven years I looked after my Dad who developed Dementia. I watched him slowly vanish before my eyes until all that was left was a shell that looked like him but his essence had gone. Then one day, four years ago, Dementia shut him down and he passed away. However, the caring continued for my Mum who after losing my Dad lost her sparkle and began to slowly let herself slip into a deep sadness. I expended a lot of energy trying to make her life more meaningful but her purpose of being had slipped away with my Dad. Gradually, various health conditions worsened through her lack of wanting to help herself until about 10 weeks ago now she was taken into hospital for an emergency operation. As a family we knew an operation could be potentially fatal due to heart problems. Her knowing that seemed to make her determined to go through with it expecting to slip away quietly on the operating table, but Mum pulled through, which seemed to annoy her in some way. That was the start of even more problems. Chest infection after chest infection and a bout of pneumonia took it’s toll on her strength and her willingness to fight. In the end nothing more could be done for her except to be made comfortable while the final infection caused her lungs to fill up and finally her heart gave out. She passed away peacefully due to sedation on 28th October.
It had been a long road and not an easy one for the family, but at least she was not alone when she took that final breath. She did not wait for me to be there so I could hold her hand as I had promised. She spared me that. Now alone in my thoughts and feelings I have to fill my life with other things as I know she would have wanted me to. It’s not going to be easy.
I will miss her greatly. Not only was she my Mum but she was my best friend.