There are many things that losing someone does to you but the one I hate the most is having to go through all their belongings and decide what to keep, what to pass on to charity and what to throw away. I think clothing is the hardest one, especially if they have worn it recently as you can smell them on it. This triggers memories, a long lingering hug and often a tear or two before you manage to put the item down or bag it up.
I’ve cried or welled up with tears many a time since we lost Mum a couple of weeks ago. Being surrounded by objects that trigger fond memories is often heart breaking but life has to go on no matter how i feel inside. I spent quite a lot of time last night reading journal entries she had made over the years recounting the feelings she went through. The pain, the heartache and the utter loneliness at times. But she was not one for telling me these things. Instead she wrote them down for me to find after she had gone when it was too late. Yet i knew something was eating away at her just by the expressions on her face but my asking what it was brought silence or a response of ‘Oh nothing’.
So, i decided to keep her scarf. It was one she wore most of the time and I can smell the remains of her perfume on it, which will fade over time, but for now provides some comfort. On those quiet, cold and lonely evenings i will be able to hold it and remember her fondly.