It’s now been 2 weeks since we had the funeral for Mum and yet it does not seem like two minutes since we said goodbye.
I have been trying to keep myself busy by going through things, deciding what to keep and what to throw away. There is so much it almost seems never ending. Just when i think i am nearly there i find something else. Sometimes it triggers a memory with a tear to the eye when other times i think ‘what did she keep this for’. She must have had her reasons but she was a bit of a squirrel and letting go of the simplest things was often hard for her. Yet i am getting there albeit slowly. Some days i just don’t want to be bothered. Some days i just want to just down tools and walk away from it all.
I must admit it has been quiet and often lonely without her around. When someone has consumed so much of your life, finding something to replace what you would have been doing is not easy. The temptation is to just sit and vegetate in front of the telly, fall asleep, just to take you away from all the things which are going through your mind. Which i often do. Early nights to bed have been a new regime for me just lately as sitting here alone gets boring after a while, but i have no interest at the moment in doing anything else. My body, mind and spirit need to recover from the exhaustion that caring for Mum took out of me over the years, not to mention Dad before that. Tiredness is my housemate and often beats me into submission.
Things will change gradually. Or at least i hope they will. Once my life is free of all the clutter and i can see the path ahead i will be off. Freedom is a strange bedfellow when you haven’t had it for so long. Uncertainty about the future and where i will be, either here or elsewhere, lingers in the back of my mind all the time. But decisions are not to be made lightly and there is plenty of time to make them. She left a big hole and it’s going to take a while to fill it. At least she got some peace from it all and that deep down makes me happy for her.