Tomorrow will be yet another sad day for me. Tomorrow we say a final goodbye to my Mum as we inter her ashes along side my Dad’s at the cemetery. I really don’t know how I am going to feel as her ashes are placed in the plot. Will it bring me some peace and finality to what has been a long wait since the funeral? Who can say. Life has sure been lonely since she passed a month ago and my interest in anything else has yet to be stirred. Everything I touch at home reminds me of her and I find myself at a loss as things are cleared out. Often I just want to go away from it all and hope it vanishes but that’s not going to happen. Deciding what to keep and what to get rid off can be a hard decision but my life has no room for all the belongings she accumulated over the years. It’s going to take time, I know, and as it all goes the vale of sadness will lift and I can start putting my own life back together.
So many memories of happier times come and go in my mind. All the days out we had. All the shopping trips. All the laughs and tears. They all cascade back into my mind and force a tear or two to roll down my cheek. After all, I wouldn’t normal if it didn’t. I was so close to my Mum, my friend and now she has gone a part of me has gone too. I really do miss her a lot. Life is sure going to different without her around, yet I am now free to look ahead and make something of my remaining years, what’s left of them. I can work on the guilt I feel, YES GUILT, for those who might question this, for letting her die in hospital rather than in her own home. But at the time I did what I thought was best for her and she never came home again and boy did she let me know it, over and over again. Alas, that is now water under the proverbial bridge and is probably a cross I will crucify myself on for a long time to come.
So, from tomorrow a new phase of my life begins. We will see what direction the future will take me in.