I have spent a lot of time thinking about the time that led up to your death and I now realise that you planned the whole thing in order to give me my freedom and life back. This once made me feel very angry inside that you would consider such a way out, but i know the pain you were in was becoming more unbearable every day. I know you knew it was taking it’s toll on the both of us and you had finally had enough of the sleepless nights the pain was causing. So you chose a way out that you thought would be painless.
Ever since the day we went to see the cardiologist and he told you that your heart valves were getting worse and i saw the look on your face when you decided to turn down the corrective surgery. You were told it would be a 50:50 chance of you surviving the operation. I knew and stood by your decision, promising to support you through it. Even though it meant that eventually it would lead to be on oxygen permanently. I also knew it would never get that far if you had the choice to end things sooner. Yet I stood by you.
Looking back I knew you were planning something but I denied it as a foolish thought on my behalf. Silly of me really. I should have talked to you about how I felt but I was finding it harder and harder to talk to you. Most times all I got was a shrug as if nothing was going on in your mind, but you face belied your thoughts. After all, I chose to support you in any decision you made.
Little did I know the wheels had been set in motion for your exit from this world. Your choice was to self induce the hernia so that I would have to insist you went to hospital for the operation, knowing fully the risks involved. Deep down you were hoping that with a 50:50 chance, you would slip away under the anaesthetic and be free of pain. But you did not get your wish and I know it really angered you deep down inside. As if you had been cheated. However, events meant that a series of infections took their tool on your heart and eventually you would get your wish. To be out of pain and free to be with the man who meant the most to you in life.
So when you finally decided to slip away you pushed me away emotionally and did not wait for me to be there. It was as if you were trying to make it easier for me, when in reality it made it worse. In one way I was relieved you were at peace yet in another I hurting so much inside. You were such a big part of my life for so long that dealing with the emptiness has been a struggle. Maybe it would have been easier had we not been so close. But life goes on and each day becomes easier to some extent.
I suppose in some way I should thank you for releasing me while I still have some life left to live, but I do miss you so much. I wish your soul peace and eternal happiness.
P.S. Say hi to Dad for me.